Working Through Challenging Family Dynamics

Note: The following information comes to our University community from counselors at WVU's Carruth Center for Counseling and Psychological Services.

Many of us have gone home to our families during this health crisis. For some of us, it is comforting to be back with our families. But others of us may struggle with returning home. Does going home pose more challenges to your mental health than benefits? We’re here to help.

 What are family dynamics?

Every family has its own roles and patterns. Some are healthy, and some are not. We each play roles in our families – like the peacekeeper, the hero, the scapegoat – that we move in and out of. But when families have ongoing conflict, stress, trauma, or illness, these roles can become damaging to us. When this happens, the role tends to take over, and our real boundaries and needs are lost.

Take, for example, someone in the role of scapegoat. The scapegoat of a family will usually receive the blame for the family’s unhealthy dynamics. If the family is often late to events, for instance, the scapegoat will be blamed for not being dressed quickly enough or some other reason. The scapegoat becomes the place where everyone can comfortably put the blame in order to not take responsibility for their own insecurities. Reasons will be found to blame the scapegoat to maintain the illusion that the family is fine.

Stress – like the current COVID-19 crisis – can make roles among family members emerge even more strongly. That, in turn, can add a lot more pressure and pain to being in close quarters with family members. Old hurts and frustrations easily arise and may make life at home challenging.

While you’re home, use these tips to help in dealing with difficult family dynamics.

 Become aware of your role – and know when to step out of it.

 Create boundaries. Set up a safe space for yourself.

With the realities of quarantine, this may be difficult and require some creativity on your part. Can you schedule time on your own? Do you have your own room to retreat to? What about getting outside?

Saying no to too many requests or expectations is also an important part of creating boundaries for yourself. If saying no is difficult or impossible, make deals: I’m happy to do ______, but I need some time off from _______.

It may be worthwhile to also create a safe place in your mind in addition to a physical safe place. Here are some colorful ways of creating your “imaginary” place:

• Use a favorite memory.
  
• Use a space you loved as a child and bring your favorite toys and activities into it.
  
• Use a picture of a place you want to visit as a meditation focus. Make it a place you love to be.
  

You can also control the “security level” of your mental safe space. Add guards, locks, doors, gates, or place it on an island. Practice going there a few times a day. This mental practice is a powerful way to strengthen your boundaries.

 Be strengths-based.

Sometimes, our families have a way of zeroing in on our flaws, which can make people feel defective, lonely, and generally “less-than.” This tendency can range from little “digs” (that start to get old really fast in close quarters) to outright emotional abuse. Protecting yourself from feeling devalued involves two steps:

1. Realize that other people’s negativity is not about you. These statements are projections of how they feel about themselves. This is a real phenomenon. Often, when people feel shame or self-loathing, they unload it on someone else in order not to feel it themselves. In this way, shame is contagious. 
   
2. Build up your “immune system” against other people’s shame contagion (projections onto you) by focusing on your strengths and the things that make you feel like a good person. Spend some time writing your strengths down. Go back in your memory and remember kind things you have done, no matter how small! Make these strengths a focus when you are feeling devalued.
   

                   

 Get social support.

Positive connection with other human beings is vital to mental health. Whether with siblings, friends, extended family members, or an online community, make sure that you have a few different lifelines to access in case you need to blow off steam or find safety. Make social support a #1 priority.

 If you are in an emergency ...

These are general tips for dealing with family dynamics during a challenging time, but they may not be enough for truly abusive situations. If you are experiencing physical abuse or feel that you are in danger, please call 911 or contact your local police.

You can also contact the Carruth Center for information and support. We are here to help.

 Here are other resources too.

• Toxic People: 16 Practical, Powerful Ways to Deal with Them
  
• Eleven Signs of Family Dysfunction and What to Do Next
  
• Toxic Sibling Dynamics in Narcissistic Families
  
• Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward